MISERABILIA

Identity

Now, you already know my name and age so I won't bother with those. What I do want to speak about is asexuality, falling under the trans umbrella, pronouns, and the whole lot.

I knew I was asexual from a very young age. There's this general belief that you can't know your sexuality so young, but I will always beg to differ on that. Most teens begin having sexual awakenings when they're 10-14. For me, there was nothing. I didn't know that I was supposed to be going crazy with hormones and desires and lusting after other students. I truly believed that the rest of the world was like me. Never really thinking about sex, or masturbation, or anything like that at all. When I was younger, I confused asexuality for aromanticism because I had believed that everyone was inherently asexual. That when people said they were "bisexual", they meant they were attracted to both genders but in a strictly romantic way. Sex never came into the equation in my mind. Later, when I was around 17-18, I began to question myself a lot more. I was obsessed with The Magnus Archives, which features an asexual main character, Jon, so I was reading lots of fanfic (my mind loves to indulge once I become obsessed with a story). In one such fanfic, Martin, Jon's boyfriend, mentions needing a wank. I had never felt that way. It was this, embarrasingly, that made me begin to question. Questioning led to research led to experimentation led to me officially identifying as asexual in the way I meant it when I was younger. And I am proud of this fact. I am proud that I am who I am. I don't need to change. I can still love people in my own way. People can love me back. There are a thousand other aces out there as well.

Now, onto the subject of the transgender umbrella. This may be a shock to the readers, but my legal government name is not Bryony! I know. Shocker! I also don't use the same pronouns in real life either! Most people use she/her! Which is something I hope to change with my friends, but alas, we'll see. Anyway, I also knew on some level that I wasn't strictly a girl. I don't really feel like one. I feel like me. I feel more like a boy than I do a girl, honestly. Which is a whole other thing that I'm shelving for later. All this aside, I use they/them and he/him pronouns now. My name is Bryony. I fall under the transgender umbrella. I'm silently proud about that.

Now, here are some resources, websites mostly, in case the reader is questioning, struggling, or researching.

• Pronoun Wardrobe. Try out some Pronouns, if you want.
• What does Transgender mean?
• Understanding Transgender People - The Basics
• What does it mean to be Non-Binary?
• LGBTQIA Resources site, which hosts a variety of resources, including community centres, literature recommendations, and trans sex education.
• The Asexual Visibility & Education Network, contains answers to FAQs regarding asexuality and a brief definition of the term itself.
• A list of resources from GLAAD.
• The GSA network website, which allows you to find your local GSA, short for "Genders and Sexualities Alliance".
• The History website's LGBT History section.
• Website dedicated to aromanticism, which provides a defintion for the orientation, a FAQ section, and pride gear.
• What is a Lesbian?
• The Bisexual Resource Centre.

Favorites

Movies

• Parasite - Bong Joon-ho
• Decision to Leave - Park Chan-wook
• Black Swan - Darren Aronofsky
• Gone Girl - David Fincher
• Se7en - David Fincher
• Perfect Blue - Satoshi Kon
• Knives Out - Rian Johnson
• Whiplash - Damien Chazelle
• Babylon - Damien Chazelle

For more of my favorites, and for some film reviews, check out my Letterboxd.

Bands/Artists

• Los Campesinos!
• Will Wood
• Radiohead
• The Stokes
• Lemon Demon
• Red Velvet
• Wolf Parade
• Car Seat Headrest
• Mitski
• Bruce Springsteen
• Franz Ferdinand
• Gorillaz

Shows

• How I Met Your Mother
• Invincible
• Russian Doll
• Neon Genesis Evangelion
• The Bear
• Hannibal
• Severance

Scents

• The Beach
• Pine Cones
• Eucalyptus

Animals

• Jellyfish
• Dogs
• Cats
• Birds, of all kinds
• Wolves

Books

• The Illustrated Man - Ray Bradbury
• Into the Wild - Jon Krakauer
• Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn
• The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
• Crush - Richard Siken

Places

• The Grocery Store
• The Beach
• My Home
• Mexico
• Hawaii
• My Great-Grandmother's Home
• The Movie Theatre

Prose

I like to consider myself a pretty proficient writer. I've loved writing since I was a wee lad writing horror stories for english classes. Of course, those stories weren't entirely mine. They were based off horror stories I had already heard and vaguely remembered. I got better at writing through my AP classes. I took AP Language & Composition and credit that class for most of my improvement. I also read a lot as a child, and I still have that same drive to consume books like MREs. Currently, I'm reading Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club. It's filled with the kind of prose that I love employing in my own work (which is mostly just fanfiction). A lot of the writers that I read have some sort of influence on my own sentence structure, metaphors, analogies. I take little bits and pieces from them and make them my own, twisting the image to fit the one in my mind. My most prominent inspiration is Richard Siken. He has a way of describing the normal, little things of everyday life and using them to fit a certain theme or motif that he wants to communicate. It's incredibly melancholy and flowery, and I absolutely love it. Anyway, back to the practical writing.

I write a lot for my legal courses, mostly technical work. It still gives me that same pleasure, though. I find that writing, whether it be legal applications or creative writing, or even something as simple as this paragraph, requires the writer to hack into a module in their mind. You have to carefully piece together the words, like puzzle pieces, and hope that your surveyors can see the big, beautiful picture you want to show them. Writing is an incredibly useful tool for me because of this. I struggle with voicing my thoughts aloud. I write better than I speak. I can write 10 page essays about film, music, any topic, really, but I can't admit my own feelings to someone I care about. That's just the reality of it.

Of course, I plan to get better at being vocal about things. People don't read minds, after all. For the time being, I plan on improving my writing to the point where it can be an insight into my mind; a crystal clear vision of who I am.

Internet Beginnings

Well. I first got my start on the Internet like most 2000s kids. GirlsGoGames, Disney Jr., some random wesbites that I can't remember the name of now. They were all very interesting websites. I especially loved the makeover games, the dress-up games, the decorating a house games. They allowed me to be creative and think of different swatches for paint or furniture. Around this time I also got into playing The Sims 3, as I had started watching YouTube let's play videos. Lifesimmer, in particular, and her Seasons LP made me want TS3 and the Seasons EP so desperately that I pratically begged for it for Christmas. That was the start of an obsession, in hindsight. Anyway, as I grew older I started watching more and more content, signing up for more and more social media accounts. I signed up for Kik, which was truly horrendous. Got Instagram, became an edgy pre-teen who demanded way too much and seriously lacked emotional regulation skills, downloaded Snapchat. Downloaded Twitter and Deviantart and so many other apps. As I grew older, I deleted many of those apps. Now, I don't like to rely on the Internet as much as I did back then. I keep myself to Tumblr, Twitter, Spacehey, and of course this website. I also like to review movies on Letterboxd. They're too fun for me not to partake in. I hope that this website can be a sort of island in the middle of the ocean, though. I can always paddle my way to it, code, and relax.

Habits

My habits have changed a lot these past couple of months. I did a dog-sitting gig where I wasn't able to exercise as much so I revamped my entire schedule. I think Saturday and Sunday will be my days off. Some of my habits have stuck, though. I do light a candle every now and then, more often than not now that the colder weather is making its way across the world. I'm also getting in the habit of giving myself more treats, and I really do mean just treats. Example A: If I want a sparkling drink from the store, or a sandwich, I'll get it for myself. I used to never do that before, because I believed it too self-indulgent. I'm learning to indulge every once in a while. I'm also trying to break my biggest and worst habit: skin-picking. It's hard, for sure, but my skin will thank me later.

I still make way too many houses on TS3 and TS4. Nothing will ever change that.