miserabilia

I'm not gonna deep dive into my mental state and how it affects me. Or my dreams. But they're a lot like Will Graham's. Vivid, weird, nightmarish, all of the above. It's a big reason why I connected to him so much in the first season. Anyone with a fucky brain can see themselves in Will Graham and that's exactly what I did. Not to mention the fact that his home is my actual dream home down to the isolation in the woods. Anyway, he's earned his spot here. Probably first place kin, if I'm being completely honest. Plus, there's an inherent queerness that NBC's 'Hannibal' offers its viewers. Will tries his hardest to deny the love that Hannibal has for him, the love they share for the deepest, most darkest desires, and for that, they suffer. Denial of his Self brings Will suffering. It is only when he truly allows himself to embrace all sides of himself that he is able to fall, quite literally, further in love with Hannibal. I love this message and all it entails, just as much as I love all seven of Will's dogs.

Much like Will, the connection I feel to Vanessa, specifically in her movie iteration is deeply personal, though I'm sure people can connect the dots and deduce my feelings for my dad just with this simple entry. Of course, my father was a sort of titan of pain when I was a child. He caused me and my family an enourmous amount of hurt, and it left me with a grudge against him that I haven't managed to shake even now. So many people, my own mother included, have told me to let go of this grudge. For me, it's a matter of principle. I don't forget what he did. That doesn't mean I'm overly antagonistic towards him, or that I hate him. Our relationship has slowly but surely healed over the years. He still sometimes says shit that hurts, or downright outlandish things. My relationship with him will never not be strained. I have come to terms with that. So, Vanny is in many ways my outlet for those feelings. I have felt like a scared little boy in front of him many times. I have wanted to stand up to him in the past. I stand up for myself now, consequences be damned. For many, that's impossible. The consequences are far too great. For Vanny, they were.

For a very long time, my entire life was committed to dance. Now, I didn't do ballet like Nina did. I did a more traditional kind of dance, but the pressure to be perfect was still very much there. I vivdly remember every time my director yelled, whether it was at me specifically or my varsity group in general. I remember how he yanked at my hair once, to show how loose it was. He scolded me for it, and I explained that his golden boy had done my hair for me. He didn't say much after that. My years in my varsity dance group were simultaneously my best and worst years. I went to Hawaii. I performed there, enjoyed my time, got treated like a local. I performed and enjoyed it. I was so content with my group family. I missed my ACT because my director called us all in last minute for a day's worth of performances. I couldn't make it up. I only had one waiver. I had to dedicate so much of my time to the group. I cried over it so many times. I wanted to get out. My body ached and felt sore all over constantly. I went to sleep at one in the morning and woke up at five. I craved perfection so desperately that I hurt my body over and over. I bled from my heels and my toes and did nothing about it. I lost the nail of my big toe and simply wrapped it up. When other people grimaced at it, I shrugged. So is life. Anyway. I have such a special attachment to Nina Sayers and the Black Swan movie in general. My mom refused to let me do ballet because she believed that if I did, I would be just as bad as Nina. I'd strive for perfection and destroy myself like I had done before. Plus, my mom and I have always had a tumultous relationship. She asks of me, and I give. I ask of her, and she ignores me. I explain to her what I'm feeling and how I'd like a bit more freedom and she tightens the noose a bit more. I ask her why she does what she does and how it hurts me and she ignores me. Sorry, this wasn't meant to be so sad and overdramatic but Nina makes me feel that way. She's #1, for sure.

The Magnus Archives was a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill, written by Jonathan Sims, and directed by Alexander J. Newall. The series ran from 2016 to 2021, so I was just one year late to the party. Even then, I became extremely attached to this podcast. Jon is much like me. Prickly, inherently private, dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge (even if the truth hurts), and asexual! His character development was so intriguing to follow because he makes very dramatic changes over the course of the series. At one point, he doesn't classify as completely human. Rather, a person who has killed their Self and is now on a path to monstrosity. I loved it. It was exactly what I needed to find in a horror media, and I'm so glad I was able to connect with him as a character.